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Relationships

Your relationships with other people influence every part of your life. These relationships can range from satisfying to unsatisfying, often existing somewhere in between. Understanding what a healthy relationship is may be the first step to feeling more fulfilled by your relationships.

In this section we talk about:

Understanding how to maintain healthy relationships is important as it affects the satisfaction and fulfillment you gain at different times in your life. Relationships can also provide you with practical and emotional support.

Healthy relationships are those through which you are able to:

  • care for yourself physically and emotionally
  • communicate openly
  • be respected and respect the other person
  • resolve conflict and learn to compromise

Any relationship can go through a difficult patch. Understanding what a healthy relationship is may make it easier to assess the situation more objectively and understand why the issues may be occurring.

Please click on any of the links above to find out more about specific types of relationships. If you have a relationship issue you would like to discuss please contact us.

The following resources may be helpful in understanding relationships:

Intimate relationships

Intimate relationships are those which you form with a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or partner.

A healthy intimate relationship is where you are independent but also working towards the common goal of satisfaction within the relationship and respect for one another. If you have experienced violence in an intimate relationship please click here.

There are many factors which affect your intimate relationships. These include:

  • satisfaction gained from sexual interaction
  • ability to communicate and compromise
  • yours and your partner’s level of self-esteem
  • beliefs about gender roles within a relationship
  • respecting one another and each other’s opinions and needs

When you are in an intimate relationship they can affect all other areas of your life, particularly if the relationship is intense or moving quickly. One of the most important points to remember is that a healthy relationship exists between two independent people. That is, you are able to be independent from the other person whilst sharing a bond with them.

Intimate relationships can be challenging because we want the other person’s approval, support and comfort. One of the dangers, however, is becoming caught up in what the other person thinks and what they expect. In doing this you may begin to base your self esteem or self worth on what they think rather than what’s important to you.

Indicators of unhealthy intimate relationships include:

  • feeling coerced or forced into sex (please see the Abusive Relationships)
  • physical, emotional, social or economic abuse (please see the Abusive Relationships)
  • basing your self-esteem in being part of a relationship or conforming to the other persons ideals
  • Feeling that it is unsafe to communicate your dissatisfaction with areas of the relationship
  • not respecting your partner and their choices and vice versa
  • not having your physical and emotional needs met
  • inability to compromise within the relationship or to put your partners needs before your own

Ensuring your safety and happiness is important regardless of how much you care about the other person. If you would like more information about building a fulfilling intimate relationship please contact us.

Family

Relationships with family members can be both supportive and challenging. Often these relationships are at the centre of our formation in childhood, it is where we learn to communicate, learn survival skills and where our sense of self-esteem begins.

While there is a stereotypical belief that family units are supportive, caring and non-judgmental, this is not always the case. Families are made of up people with different ideas, levels of self-esteem and coping skills. As such, relationships with family members can fall into the same traps as other relationships and become unhealthy.

Some of the factors which can impact on family relationships are:

  • Conflicting expectations - Often, parents and their children have different expectations about appropriate ways to act, the type of study you should be doing and type of friends you should have, just to name a few! Figuring out exactly what you want can be challenging. You may find yourself wanting your parent’s approval but not necessarily agreeing with what they feel is best for you.
  • Support– family relationships are often portrayed as being supportive and an environment for growth yet not everyone is capable of providing the kinds of physical, emotional or mental support we need. This may be through distance, financial resources or their own emotional stress.
  • Moving away from home - being away from home while studying can be hard, particularly if it is the first time you have lived way from your family or there is a large distance between you and your family. Leaving a family environment behind can mean that you lose a sense of support and stability.
  • Communication patterns - our learned communication habits are often based in our family environment. These patterns can be positive or negative. Learning to communicate assertively so that compromise rather than conflict can occur isn’t always easy.

If you are experiencing any of the above, or another issue with a family member, please contact us.

Friends

It is likely that even your closest friendships will go through a difficult patch at some point. Being aware of your own needs and learning how to overcome these difficulties is a step in the right direction.

Some of the issues which can occur around friendships are:

  • Changing needs, time restraints and responsibilities as you leave school and move into work or study. Friendships at this time can become strained as you or your friends may not understand why changes are occurring or be reluctant to let change occur.
  • Not having trustworthy people around you. Without the support which can be gained through a trustworthy friend, you may feel lonely or unable to speak about your problems.
  • Starting uni may mean that you begin to interact with many new people. These relationships can flourish into lasting friendships or they may fade away as your classes or timetable changes each semester. This can be a confusing and stressful time as you try to form new bonds with people Also see: Relationships with Classmates, Tutors and Lecturers.
  • Carrying friendships which are no longer satisfying can also be stressful. You may be unable to let go of a friendship with someone you no longer feel a connection with, for example, because you don’t want to hurt them. Learning to let go of friendships in a mutually respectful way is a positive skill to learn.

A healthy friendship can be comforting and supportive. If you would like to discuss a friendship issue with someone who can offer an objective view, please contact us.

Housemates

Moving into a share house or uni residence can be liberating. It can also be challenging! Managing relationships with housemates with is a learned skill.

Some of the areas where issues can arise include:

  • Personality clashes
  • Splitting food and bills
  • Disrespectful housemates
  • Housemates not cleaning up after themselves

Learning to communicate effectively is one of the most important and useful skills in a share house. It means that minor disputes wont become bigger than they need to and compromise can be reached. (Please see Assertive Communication for more information).

If you have just moved from your family home it can seem even more overwhelming as you may be adjusting to balancing a budget, cooking for yourself and not having that familiar support of other family members around.

It can also be a time of growth. Learning how to manage household disputes, look after yourself and be tolerant of others are skills which will serve you well throughout life. There is also a sense of freedom and independence that comes from managing your house and establishing a healthy household.

Also remember that the people you live with do affect you, your ability to study and your ability to relax outside work or uni. Finding balance is important. It is important to remain objective about your situation and if dispute can’t be solved to look for alternative living arrangements.

If you would like to speak to someone about a household dispute, or would like to learn more about communicating effectively and coping with moving away from home, please contact us.

Abusive Relationships

Abuse can be forced upon you by a family member, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger. It does not need to be tolerated in any circumstance. You deserve to be respected for who you are and you have every right to expect this respect.

Abuse in a relationship doesn’t mean just physical harm. It can also mean:

  • Psychological, emotional or verbal abuse – being threatened, insulted or degraded by another person which lowers your self-esteem or self-confidence. The person may also attempt to change your perceptions of reality in order to gain more control over you,such as telling you that no-one else cares about you.
  • Social abuse – being isolated from your family, friends or other services which may be helpful or useful to you.
  • Economic abuse – money and ownership of goods and property is withheld from you.
  • Physical abuse –physical harm by another person including being hit, kicked, punched, slapped or a weapon is used against you.
  • Sexual abuse – any type of unwanted sexual contact, including being threatened with violence if you do not comply to sexual demands and the forced viewing of pornography.

Getting out of a situation where you have been abused may be difficult. Your self-esteem may have been lowered or you may not feel that you have any support. If you have been subject to any kind of abuse, or if you feel threatened in any way and would like to speak to someone, please contact the Australian Domestic & Family Violence Clearinghouse on 02 9385 2990 or
Freecall 1800 75 33 82 (only from fixed phones in Australia).

If you feel an immediate threat, please contact the police on 000.

If you would like to speak to someone outside office hours please contact Lifeline on 131114.

You can also contact the Sexual Assault hotline: 02 9819 6565 or 1800 424 017